All Is Never Lost
Friday June 20, 2008
It’s almost seven in the morning and here I am trying (hard) to articulate both my thoughts and feelings. So pardon the lack of structure and coherence but I hope the point gets across.
I’ll start by saying, faith is the ultimate cliche when shit happens. But it wouldn’t be a cliche if it weren’t true. So yes. Faith is believing. Bad shit only happens when one stop doing so. To get out it, all you need to do, is start having faith once more. You have to start by believing shit happens for the better. Things will then pickup naturally as soon as you do so.
Whatever your faith is, believe in it. For me, it’s God. With it, it’ll transcend the deepest of sorrows, anger, frustration and contempt (and whatever negative thoughts and emotions). Without it, it’ll be an endless free fall into the abyss, most of the time it happens sub-consciously. Sometimes, you’ll realised it too late, you’ll get a huge blow and the pain will be colossal. But still, all is not lost. It simply means you’ll just need to learn it the hardest way, you’ll have to feel and think more.
All this while, I wasn’t strong enough. My faith was easily shattered when shit happened. My lack of faith in God means, the lack of faith in myself. And it’s all been downhill since then. That’s why the same shit keeps happening to me, because it is an endless free fall into the abyss unless I do something. Which I haven’t been, which is to truly believe in myself.
I have found my partner, and I have lost her. The cycle has happened many times through out the years. Each time, I did not fully and truly realise what went wrong. It has been a roller coaster ride, and when emotions are involved, it becomes a tormenting one. It becomes tiring, it saps your energy. Almost unbearable.
When we are separated, I felt as though I could not live without my partner. My life stagnated, everything went dull. I felt miserable, I couldn’t smile, laugh, think and feel straight. There was no joy as if I was dying. I couldn’t do anything without feeling sorry for myself, thinking of what it could’ve been. I thought we were Inseparable. But I was wrong, we are.
It’s an endless cycle, but only because I let it be, by not doing anything about it. By letting it boil, burn and rot. The problem lies in me, not my other half. The harsh reality of it is that, it takes a painful incident / experience to crash you right back down to earth. To rectify the root of the problem deep within you.
So how and where do I begin? Believing starts by being grateful for what you have right now, the family, the roof over your head and the air you breathe among many things. The whole past week and this, is a huge learning phase for me. I’ve learn to live with myself, literally alone with my family overseas. Done my own things, chores etc.
I’ve friends come over, consoled, entertained, occupied and kept me on my toes. Taking one day at a time, appreciating all the quality time I spent visiting my grandma, my nephew and niece and enjoyed their company thoroughly. Importantly I’ve been communicating with myself alone – with my faith, God.
I’m taking things real slow with myself. Starting by believing in God, because that’ll mean believing in myself once more. I’ve been able to feel the air I breathe, calmed my mind when it starts to throb. Appreciate the littlest yet crucial things once more. Family and your love ones are truly everything. I acknowledge and am grateful for that, every bit of it.
Not only am I living, but I’m living without my partner. By believing in good things to come, I’m happy and calm. I can live alone, I can live with myself. I’m not sorry for myself. I’m not dependent. Waking up is a luxury, and I’m grateful for that chance to be able to see another new day and be blessed with the same gifts.
It’s evident enough that it’s starts by believing in oneself, in your faith. I’ve placed my trust in my faith. I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for being blessed by realising this about myself. I can hope and I will continue to pray that what I believe is true, with God’s will. I’m going to continue believing if that’s what it takes to achieve eternal bliss.
That said, it’s not everyday you cross path with someone that changes your life. Yes I can live on my own, be able to do my own things. Yes I have found my own strength, I’m happy and calm. Yes I have the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want, anyhow I want. I’m independent, I’m free. But deep down, I realised I’m still incomplete. I might not be alone, but I’m lonely inside, we all are. Yes I’m something now, but I’m nothing without her.
I believe things will mean much more when we are united as one. I believe not only I, but we’ll be stronger, happier and calmer when she comes back. I believe in my other half. I believe my other half is you, reading this whenever. I believe you will complete me and fill this void. I believe you are the one to cull the loneliness because that is what the heart is for, to be shared with only another. I believe it’s never too late. Just remember…
You need to touch to feel. Your eyes to see. Your ears to listen. Your gut to sense. Your mind to think. Your heart to feel. Give to receive. Hurt to heal. Setbacks to succeed. Love to be loved. Appreciate to be appreciated. Understand to be understood. Trust to be trusted. Wrong to be corrected. Forgive to be forgiven. Express to be accepted. Believe, to achieve.
It’s beautiful how an end can be a beginning. All is never lost then.
// Filed under: Personal
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